Inviting lyrical critiques...

[|æ|]

For as verbose as I am in general, I don't really write many lyrics -- preferring instead to focus almost exclusively on my guitar arrangements. However, just recently I spent some time putting a few thoughts into text, and I've posted them here in order to invite critique from the forum members.

No need to be gentle, I am already aware of certain aspects of the following sample that I'd like to change. This is really just a rough beginning and I'm hoping to refine its structure as well as content in accordance with the reponses I hope will ensue.

Suggestions are certainly welcome in accompaniment to your critique. Thanks in advance to everyone who takes the time to contribute.

Untitled <-- (Title suggestions welcome!)

A mirage of divisionism veils unity
Naked temporal counterparts laughing
Divergent versions of yourselves
Dancing in time as one

Within this sacred corporeal vessel
latent blueprints for dreaming
To birth worlds with loving agony
And sing spirit into flesh

Recognize this familiar plural divinity
Even if only for the moment
It's hidden in synchronicity
so conspicuous, glaringly obvious

For just this once in your life
Look lovingly upon yourself
With a newborn's bright and wondering eyes
You'll see them all in you

[The Ugly Dude]

I actually think that's quite good. Sort of a controversy on modern society and mechanical thinking as opposed to individuality. Sort of distopean if you know what I mean (sorry for my english here:) ). I'm not sure. What does it mean to you?

I'm trying to improve my lyrics by reading lots of books and poetry. I used to write lyrics of the top of my head by the way I felt at that moment and a song would be born in like 15 minutes but now I try to put more effort into my lyrics and think about it more and I find that a much more interesting approach. What I think is most important when writing lyrics and using lots of complex words with obscure meaning is to try and make your thought shine through the best you can. But I like that piece of yours and definitely think there's talent there to be worked on.:D

P.S. Don't know about the title though. Maybe 1984 or something. I have no idea.

[entrada]

Since you're dropping this in a forum that mostly caters to guitar people(as opposed to lyricists), I'm assuming that you want to reach a lot of people with your music. If that's the case, first I'll give you props for some of the imagery used
"Dancing in time as one"
"blueprints for dreaming"
"With a newborn's bright and wondering eyes"
I could care less if the meaning of a song is veiled by the writer, if I can get visuals of what I'm hearing, it's much more memorable.

On the downside, I'm not sure why there are so many adjectives tagged onto everything, sometimes two per word even. It's hard to picture it working well in the context of a song . It reminds me of early Carcass lyrics in a way. Not the content, just the way you word things.
"Naked temporal counterparts laughing"
"Divergent versions of yourselves"
"Within this sacred corporeal vessel
latent blueprints for dreaming
To birth worlds with loving agony"
"Recognize this familiar plural divinity"
It seems like you could get your point across with even more of that vivid imagery listed above instead of throwing around big words and adjectives. As hard as it is to be objective about your own work, make a real effort to put yourself in the listeners shoes and work with that. I hope I helped a bit.
:)

[aut0maticzer0]

someone had a lot of fun with Mr. Thesaurus.
My opinion- your vocabulary is taking away from the songs meaning. Lighten it up.

[joeinthebox1980]

do you have a chorus?

of course... lyrics without the context of music always sounds a tad bit strange.

anyway... my comments:

Originally posted by |æ|

Untitled <-- (Title suggestions welcome!)

A mirage of divisionism veils unity
Naked temporal counterparts laughing
Divergent versions of yourselves
Dancing in time as one

i think words like 'divisionism' and 'temporal' and 'divergent' kinda take away from the lyrics. i think it distracts more than add to the imagery. it doesn't have to be dumbed down... but simplified in a way. if that makes sense... to me dumbed down and simplifed are two different things.


Within this sacred corporeal vessel
latent blueprints for dreaming
To birth worlds with loving agony
And sing spirit into flesh

again... simliar comments with the word 'corporeal.'


Recognize this familiar plural divinity
Even if only for the moment
It's hidden in synchronicity
so conspicuous, glaringly obvious

better lines.



For just this once in your life
Look lovingly upon yourself
With a newborn's bright and wondering eyes
You'll see them all in you

if you intend to keep the somewhat 'denser' lines... you should definitley keep this section. i think it adds a nice change of pace. this could even be the chorus.


all in all, i think it's a pretty neat song. the images that are conjured up are pretty cool. aside from some of the 'distracting' words... i think the rhythm and flow of the words are pretty good.

of course, you gotta take my comments with a grain of salt because i have no idea how you will sing them and what the music is. :)

[|æ|]

Hey, thanks a lot everybody!! :)

I appreciate all of the input, and all of your suggestions will be taken into account in the next revision.

I realize that I went a little over-the-top with the vocabulary and you all picked up on that. I did that purposely to sort of fling a bunch of crap against the proverbial wall to see what sticks.

Additionally, these are bare lyrics and don't have any music to accompany them yet. I realize that depending on the architecture of the song, I might have to alter or constrain my phraseology in order to correlate it better with the song's meter. This becomes especially important because most of our material is very progressive when it comes to meter (5/4, 5/8, 7/8. etc...), though I didn't take anything like that into consideration as I composed this piece since I didn't want to feel limited just yet.

I have some ideas that will make its contents a little less esoteric and instead more tangible, and I will work on it some more and re-submit.

Again, thank you all very much for your comments, and if anyone has any more they are all still welcome to share!

|æ|

[GDan]

Its heavy going at first. Sounds like you are trying to dazzle your audience with bid words. The last lines are very nice though.

[doingtheunstuck]

this really is not a "helpful" thing, but for some reason... when i read that, i imagined it sounding vaguely joy division-esque in my head.

[JDogg]

Originally posted by aut0maticzer0
someone had a lot of fun with Mr. Thesaurus.
My opinion- your vocabulary is taking away from the songs meaning. Lighten it up.

I completly agree.

It's nice, but sounds like your trying to be too clever. Simplicity isn't always a bad thing. Takes away from the song I think.

[Amsterdarn]

Big words rarely, if ever, work well in songs. They usually just end up making it sound snooty. The trick to being clever isn't using big words, but using little words in a big way, if that makes any sense.